I’ve examined myself and realized,
I have a sense of duty and responsibility to broken spirits. I have an attraction to broken spirts and broken spirits have an attraction to me. The only constant in this attraction is failure and un-fulfillment. I don’t mean this for romantic relationships in particular, I mean this in my life coming from different places.
I’ve been working on building myself and my spirit. I’ve asked God for discernment; to see things as they are not as I would like them to be. I only asked God for this gift because of the heaviness of others on my spirit. No one situation, I’ve repeatedly lived this way all of my life. So, I had to go back into my childhood and find an answer.
Childhood shapes us
Our childhoods play an extremely important role in our make-up. Whether you call your childhood good or bad, doesn’t matter. It’s about whatever situations happened, spiritual guidance, and the relationship dynamics that took place in your childhood. Those encounters and relationship dynamics effect you in some way.
You had everything you asked for so now you may lack certain levels of ambition
You watched your mother work hard and struggle so now you do whatever it takes to be financially comfortable
It goes on and on.
I really had to sit down and examine my own childhood so that I can understand my desires.
I’ve always had a strong sense of responsibility to my mother’s well-being and happiness. It didn’t matter to me that I was a child. All that mattered to me was that I have responsibility and I am the oldest child. I don’t know why as I child I felt older than my years, but I definitely carried a lot. Even if I didn’t say so.
And I have carried this for years and I felt that I had failed. No matter what I said, I failed. No matter what I tried, I felt that I had failed in that area. No one is at fault, it was the spirit of compassion God had given me but part of my spiritual journey is to learn when and how to use my spirit of compassion.
I’m what you call a good listener and a dump.
As a good listener, I lend my ears and my heart to people who want to grow in some way. This is a part of my fulfillment.
As a dump, I lend my ears and my heart to people who dump their negative energy on me and have no intention on growing at all.
A person with self-esteem issues who never intend on doing anything about it
Someone complaining about a bad relationship but never intends on leaving
A person who complains about their failures but hasn’t attempted to sculpt some type of plan
This dumping ground is part of my downfall. This is a source of un-fulfillment.
I have a very loving, loyal, and protective mother. This is her beauty and what some may take advantage of. But growing up I strived to protect her from the dumpers that made her unhappy. She’s a good listener and a loving spirit. It hurt me as a child that I could not save my mother from her freedom of choice. She too had a sense of duty that I could not stop. I was trying to complete my mission to help her and she was trying to complete her own mission.
All my life of trying to save my mother from the desire to save others, I became her. Funny right. But at the age of 26, the cycle is broken. I am no longer a dump.
If the familiarity of brokenness is home for you, only God can save you. I am no longer a dump, lending my soul to people who have no desire to make a change. It is counterproductive to my own spiritual growth. It weighs heavy on me. I have to love myself and respect God and let the dumpers go to God.
I gladly lend you my ears if growth is your mission.
But if brokenness is home, I’ve finally accepted the piece of wisdom one of my grandmothers (GranGran) has always told me since I was a compassionate child, “Let people go.” “It’s what they choose to do.” “They don’t want your help.” “Live your life and just pray for them.” She too was a dumping ground. Until one day she stopped answering the phone so much. Says she’s been at peace ever since.
I’m grateful that the lesson didn’t take me a lifetime. It just surely felt like it. I’m awakened, the cycle is broken.
God saves, I cannot.